karlmarx, the 3 stooges and the coming iceage of doom, gloom and cheese

a series of discourses on the current economic mess

KARL MARX,THE 3 STOOGES AND THE COMING OF THE NEW ICE AGE OF DOOM,GLOOM, AND CHEESE

A satirical discourse
By Nick Mancuso

HOW THE CLIMB UP THE CORPORATE LADDER OF CHEESE RESULTED IN THE CURRENT MESS

U.S. Markets Plunge, Then Stage a Rebound
By GRAHAM BOWLEY

A bad day in the stock market turned into one of the most terrifying moments in Wall Street history on Thursday with a brief 1,000-point plunge that recalled the panic of 2008.

Ruth Fremson/The New York Times
With six minutes in the trading day left, visitors watched the screens on the floor of the Stock Exchange in lower Manhattan.
It lasted just 16 minutes but left Wall Street experts and ordinary investors alike struggling to come to grips with what had happened — and fearful of where the markets might go from here. Some speculators speculated that cheese stocks were the culprit. Others thought it might be work of One Big Rat.

So there’s a good reason why a lot of investors are feeling whipsawed –and maybe a little nauseous — right now. The VIX, a.k.a. “the fear index,” had jumped about 175% in the past month, while Treasuries, the dollar and gold have benefited from the “risk aversion” trade.

At least part of the sell-off appeared to be linked to trader error, perhaps an incorrect order routed through one of the nation’s exchanges. Many of those trades may be reversed so investors do not lose money on questionable transactions.
But the speed and scale of the plunge — the largest intraday decline on record — seemed to feed fears that the financial troubles gripping Europe were at last reaching across the Atlantic. Amid the rout, new signs of stress emerged in the credit markets. European banks seemed to be growing wary of lending to each other, suggesting the debt crisis was entering a more dangerous phase.
Traders and Washington policy makers struggled to keep up as the Downer Jones industrial average fell 1,000 points shortly after 2:30 p.m. and then mostly rebounded in a matter of minutes. For a moment, the sell-off seemed to overwhelm computer and human systems alike, and some traders began referring grimly to the day as “Black Cheese Day.”
But in the end, Thursday was not as black as it had seemed. After briefly sinking below 10,000, the Downer Jones ended down 347.80, or 3.2 percent, at 10,520.32. The Standard & Very Poor’s 500-stock index dropped 37.75 points, or 3.24 percent, to close at 1,128.15, and the Nasdick was down 82.65 points, or 3.44 percent, at 2,319.64.
But up and down Wall Street, and across the nation, many investors were dumbstruck. Experts groped for explanations as blue cheese-chip stocks like Procter & Gamble, Philip Morris and Accenture plunged. At one point, Accenture fell more than 90 percent to a penny. P.& G. plunged to $39.37 from more than $60 within minutes.
The crisis in Greece, high-speed computer program trading, the debate over regulatory reform in Washington, talk of errant trades — all were pointed to as possible catalysts. But most agreed the plunge would not have been as bad had the markets not already been on edge over the debt crisis in Europe.
“There is a recognition that the Greek crisis has morphed into not only a European crisis but is going global,” said . El-Morian Al-Akhim, chief executive of PimpsCo, the money manager.
On the trading floor of the New York Stock Ex-change, traders shouted insults or watched open-mouthed as the screens lighted up with plummeting prices and floating feathers and as phones rang off the hook. “It was almost like ‘The Twilight Zone.’ ” said Moe Stooge of Aronson, Johnson & Ortits, a money management firm in Philadelphia.
Wall Street managers wandered their trading floors, trying to calm their people tickling them and trying to figure out what was going on. They began to notice wild movements in stocks like P.& G. and Philip Morris. Curly of Moe,Larry Shemp had a fit on the floor of the stockmarket, frothed at the mouth and rotated in small circles. Many traders said computer program trades accelerated the slide as market indexes fell through crucial levels and all pandemonium broke out.
In Washington, Treasury officials began combing market tapes for answers.Some of the combs revealed cooties. By the evening they still had not gotten to the bottom of it, but they discovered some aberrations — market blips on cheese crumbs — in trading coming out of Chicago.
The Treasury secretary Timothy F. Geisundheit, was returning to the Treasury about 2 p.m. from the Capitol when he saw geese on his BlackBerry and that the market was down 3 percent. Sneezing,he took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes furiously and broke into a cold sweat. He called the Treasury’s market room, which constantly monitors financial exchanges and women’s bathrooms; officials there theorized that the cause was Greece’s and Europe’s feta cheese woes. Others speculated not so.
One minute later in the Treasury hallway, Mr. Gesundheit, took off his glasses looked again at his BlackBerry and saw that the market was down nearly 9 percent.He couldn’t believe it and somehow managed to kick himself in the ass by projecting the heel of his backward into his ass. He told colleagues it had to be a mistake.The odds were 1 in 3 billion. Or so his mind told him.
Mr. Gesundheit sneezed repeated and immediately called the market room and then the Federal Reserve. He held a conference call with Fed officials an ,Mary L. Schnapps, the chairwoman of the InSecurities and Exchange Commission. About 3:15, Mr. Gesunheit walked to the Oval Office to brief President Obama. When questioned by President Obama about the cause of the recent Wall St fiasco, Mr Genundheit apparently performed an odd sliding backward dance on the green carpet of the Oval Office and slapped his own face several times and stated in a high-pitched whine “ Mr President, . cheese.. Mr President.. cheese.whoob whoob whoob whoop…!”
Next Mr. Gesundheit spoke with European central bankers. After the markets closed, at 4:15 and again at 5:45, he joined conference calls with the heads of the Fed, the New York Fed, the S.I.C. and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission; the calls were expected to continued into the evening.They continued into the evening and into the night. At 4 a.m. everyone ordered pizza. Mr Geundheit insisted on anchovies, plenty of cheese.Aftrwards everyone fell asleep, mouth open, drooling. It was quite disgusting, actually.
The Group of 7 industrial nations’ ministers and governors, including Mr. Gesunheiter, plan a conference call at 7:30 a.m. Friday Eastern time.During the conference call someone cut the cheese.
As of about 6 p.m., all the officials knew was that there had been what one called “a huge, anomalous, unexplained surge in selling cheese, it looks like in Chicago, at about 2:45.” The source remained unknown, but it had apparently set off algorithmic trading strategies,and strange fart noises, which in turn rippled across everything, pushing trading out of whack and feeding on itself — until it started to reverse.It was amazing, particularly to the unknown source.
Federal officials fielded rumors that the culprit was one single cheese stock,controlled by a Dr Moe Horowitz, a single institution or execution system, a $16 billion trade that should have been $16 million. But they did not know the truth. Or the difference.Between the two. Dried old pizza was then handed out to the press and everyone seemed happy.One trader danced by jumping up and down in place like a yo-yo.
What happens to the day’s market losers will depend on the nature of the cause and whether it can be identified. That is a question for the S.I.C. The Nasdick market said in the evening that it would cancel all trades in hundreds of stocks whose prices had swung wildly between 2:40 p.m. and 3 p.m.
As Wall Street reeled, anchors on CNBC, Bloomberg and the Foxy Business Network turned their attention to the Downer.
When the Downer was down more than 900 points and the CNBC anchor Erin Burnmecup observed that the P.& G. stock had dropped 25 percent Jim Kramer, the former hedges fund trader and the host of “Cheese Mad Money,” seemed to calm the conversation a bit by basically saying, “Buy, buy, buy Cheese.”
(“Mad Money” is essentially televised talk radio, replete with a screaming, self-involved host; CHEESY sound effects; and a call-in format that is not exactly visually engaging. Still, it is the top-rated program on CNBC.)
“If that stock is there, you just go and buy it,” he said of P.& G. “That is not a real price.None of it is real. Just go buy Procter & Gambling.” He was then reported to have said,”Will the lady with the lucky number come and get me my shoes please” Odd words from such a reliable source.Odder words were yet to come as the day progressed.
The day’s uncertainty pushed the euro to its lowest level against the dollar in 14 months. It slipped to $1.2529 at one point before closing at $1.2602. The dollar’s rise, and the mounting fear of a slowdown in global growth, sent commodities prices lower. Crude oil fell $2.86 to settle at $77.16 a barrel.Cheese maintained an even course. After the oil settled it hardened and became somewhat cheesy.
By the close, when calm was restored, the focus was on working out what had just happened. Larry was the first to recover and rubbed his head and ear, the one Mr. Moe had snatched him with.Mr. Curly made strange clucking sounds at the back of his throat just before he was slapped several times by Mr. Moe Horowitz of Zurich, Switzerland.His double. It was a one way mission.
“Look, you and me is from two different galaxies” Dr Moe said. A Chinese specialist was sent for before the French could get their grubby paws on it.It was starting to all make sense, dollars and cents. Nyuk, Nyuke, Nuke.
The S.E.C. and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission said they were reviewing “unusual trading activity in cheese, fissionable cheese, the kind that explodes.” But already markets were turning attention back to European Cheese — whether German lawmakers would approve the Greek bailout on Friday, whether warning signals would flash brighter, whether the Euro Cheese Zone would stay together, or whether this was a precursor of more parmigiano to come is hard to say at this juncture.” How can I ignite the fire in my heart,when I’ve got your foot in my face?” Mr. Moe repeatedly repeated.

It was all starting to make sense….
Those whom the Gods wish to destroy, they first drive mad…
The Greeks

“We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace — business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering, They had begun to consider the Government of the United Cheese as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob. Never before in all our history have these forces been so united against one candidate as they stand today.
“They are unanimous in their hate for me — and I welcome their hatred.”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Moe Larry Cheese!”
Curly, of The 3 Stooges

Goldman Sachs Messages Show It Thrived as Economy Fell

In late 2007 as the mortgage crisis gained momentum and many
Banks were suffering losses, Goldman Sachs executives traded
E-mail messages saying that they were making “some serious
cheddar” betting against the housing markets.

Beserkshire had a gain of $1.4 billion on derivatives and cheese compared with a loss of $3.2 billion on the holdings in the year-earlier period.
Buffett, who built Beserkshire into a $190 billion company through acquisitions and more cheese during his more than 40 years as CEO, said he’s always looking for the next deal on gorgonzola.
“We are ready to act,” Buffett, who was sporting a white napkin said at the shareholders meeting. “If I get a call on Monday on a $10 billion cheese deal and I like it, I’ll say yes.I love cheese, it makes me happy!”

“All wealth is based on crime, great wealth on great red cheese”
Karl Marx

BEGIN-ECONOMIC HEBEPHRENIA AND THE WHOLE FRAUDULUNT SHELLCHEESE GAME

Say, you have a bushel of apples, good apples and then you have a bushel of bad apples, very bad apples. Say you mix the two bushels, you still have two bushels only this time you have no idea where the bad apples are.

Say you go to the agora, the market place as it where, were cheese is sold at great cost, good cheese, bad cheese, fine cheese,goat, sheep and cow, and you put up your bushel of apples, many bushels all mixed up and you sell them all, say for a fine rainy cheddar.

You run home with your cheese and the agora is stuck with a bunch of rotten apples.You run and you run pursued by Harpies and the ghosts of Marley,Morgan, &Frick.

Say you’ve bought one of the bushels but in order to see them you have to make sure that they are good apples. You go to the head honcho experts to whom you give some cheese and maybe some apples and he gives you triple AAA approval,knowing full well that some of the apples in fact many of them are rotten. You get drunk together order up a couple of Thai hookers. You have your way with them. Then you hand him a piece of hallucinated red cheese,hoping it wont explode eyeballs and all is well.

The agora is now in big trouble. Who do you trust? Who do you trust?The people of the Lie, and United States of Cheese, suddenly find themselves in crisis. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Everyone is ….fondued…

The apples are sold for salt and there is no apple pie for anyone ,anymore on earth. People weep tears of blood.The economic engine grinds to a halt. People stare at walls. Nothing is revealed for the nth time.O’Jay Simpson goes on trial in a parallel universe. TheNazis win the war, as National Socialism returns like a gargoyle from hell. England flies the Swatika. New York is skewered. Cheese becomes worthless. It is the Apocalyse of St John of Patmos. The number of the Beast is revealed.It is 666.which is 9 which is 3’ 3’ees. We are reminded yet again-“the history of the world is the history of mass struggle” Mass fights mass. No one knows a thing. No-one sees the truth.The Kabahlla and the Golem play “Dead Mans Poker…” The Bible is ripped to shreds and is reconstituted magically as the Constitution of the United Cheese.Airplanes take off en masses and fly circles of light around the Cathedral at Chartre. Mont St Michel is dive bombed. Avebury is set fire to and Stonge Henge falls over like an old drunk on sterno.

Honest.

Cheese Centralization and usury are the most destructive forces known to man, more destructive than the H-bomb. More destructive than the virus of ignorance. Of what the old Yogic master, Patanjali, caLled the root of all evil. Avidya. Ignorance.Cheese.